A year ago today, I was at a bar. I was able to witness something so rare that makes I started a journal then decided to give it up two weeks later because I’m not a sea captain and have twitter. Like the the green flash at sunset. Like hearing Bob Ross curse. It was magical.
I saw a yodeler finish his performance, then drop the mic.
Let’s back up and describe this man, he was aggressively a virgin. He had never seen a nipple in person or on his phone screen. His dead ancestors were happy that he had a brother so the blood line could continue. He was such a virgin he yodeled.
And he’d taken all his sexual energy that men naturally have to chase women for their whole lives and moved it from his crotch to his heart where his Yodeling passion lied.
He was damn good at it too. Out of the three yodels I’ve heard in my life he was easily top 1.
BTW, he was white. If you couldn’t assume that, you haven’t been apart of our culture for too long. Yodeling is a white only activity - much like being bummed about the first high five missing and attempting another,
Yeah, so he finished up his “Yodeleyheeoooing” and then stares out into the audience with conviction like a king from a fantasy novel he recently read and screamed in a high pitch voice, “Who will challenge me to a yodel off.”
Which probably sounded better in his head.
And surprisingly no one stood up because no one at that bar woke up thinking, “shit, I didn’t get that bit part in the Riccola commercial wonder if I could best a virgin in a yodel off to lift my spirits.”
To this stunned, awkward silence He finished his yodeling and thought no man could do better with this microphone, so he’ll dirty it. Our yodeler held out the mic with a steady hand but then disaster struck and he paused. It went from “FUCK YOU” to “Am I allowed to?”. He hesitated. WHICH YOU CAN”T DO. Dropping the mic is a raw, passionate move that has to be met with unwavering confidence much like cumming during sex. You can’t cum on the out stroke during sex. It looks bad for everyone unless you’re in space and can propel yourself backwards. No you must be confident and cum on the in stroke. Stare her in the eyes. Grimace a little. But our aggressively virgin yodeler didn’t know that.
But all was not lost. He joined a long list of white people that day in ruining things that black people originally made awesome.
I heard Yeezus wept. The HOVA consoled him. Aziz Ansari was there for no particular reason.